“When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be.” – Mandy Hale

This quote just sums it up so well! The good old EXPECTATIONS, they play such a huge – and I mean HUGE role in our lives, YET we feel so powerless when it comes to our decisions and our thought processes. Why? I mean now that we are sitting down and talking about it – it seems so silly. Expectations are usually something that WE set for OURSELVES or OTHERS and if they don’t go how we think they should we are often left feeling disappointed, sad, frustrated, angry and even irritated. It doesn’t end there! These expectations that WE set are usually based on another person’s, thoughts, behaviours and actions. Thoughts, Behaviours and Actions that we have NO control over. The reason we feel the way we do is because others don’t respond the way we imagined they would. And that in itself, sets your anxiety into overdrive!!

We have all grown up learning about expectations. The expectations our parents and families have about our behaviour, the choices we make, what we should and should not do, the way we treat others and the lives we are going to create. The expectations our teachers have about how we behave, perform and excel. The expectations our friends have about what it means to be a true friend, loyalty and what we should do or not do for one another. The expectations our society has about what is expected of a parent, how we should raise our families, what we should or should not eat and how we should treat and communicate with others. Not forgetting work place expectations, religious expectations and the expectations we create for ourselves. Its no wonder we are unintentionally obsessed with this concept of expectations.

We get to a point in our lives where it is not only about what is expected of US but also about what WE expect of others. A vicious cycle. One hard to break, YES I agree. The only difference now is that we have opened the conversation, we are aware. We don’t like the way we feel when things don’t develop how we planned and predicted. An expectation is toxic – even more than we can imagine. It is toxic in the relationships we have with others and the relationships (or lack of) that we have with ourselves. It builds a barrier that we didn’t even know existed. I guess history has taught us that we build barriers to protect ourselves. And that may be the case, although if we don’t start breaking them down how can we truly experience life and open ourselves up to so much more that is has to offer??
The sooner you release people and situations from your expectations, the sooner you can focus on YOU and your intentions. And this also goes for the expectations we have of ourselves. Even though we have choices and are in charge of our actions and behaviours we still tend to feel disappointed, upset and angry in regards to feeling let down.

“One of the biggest challenges we face in life is learning to accept people for who they truly are”

Here is the thing! The ‘Wanting Mind’ often likes control and so does the ‘Anxious mind’ for that matter. The two of them mixed together is not a very good combination. Why? Because control is not the answer here. Openness is.
When you are not worrying about how things could be or should be you have more time to focus on you and improving the Relationships you have with yourself and others rather than creating obstacles and barriers between them. Letting go of preconceived thoughts, ideas and expectations of how people should react or behave opens the doors to new experiences and living in the now.

The aim here isn’t necessarily to banish your expectations completely. In some scenarios going in with no expectations is extremely beneficial although I understand at times there is exceptions. I get it. It’s more important in those scenarios for those expectations to be realistic. There is a saying that goes “There are two ways to be happy: Improve your reality or lower your expectations.”

Now that we have discussed the benefits of letting go of the expectations, let’s talk about what YOU can do to start!
• Practice becoming more aware and mindful of how often you let expectations enter your thoughts and mind. Awareness is always key!
• Let go of outcomes. When you notice yourself planning and trying to assess an outcome before it’s time, remind yourself to let it go. Be open to letting life run its course, regardless of outcome.
• Come back to the Now. If you focus on the here and now, you aren’t worried or concerned about what may or may not happen tomorrow, as a result allowing yourself to be released from your expectations.
• Focus on YOU. Place your focus on YOU and what you can do to make your life better. At the end of the day you are only in control of your actions and the choices you make, nobody else’s!
• Meditate. This helps you clear your mind and will encourage you to let go of all the thoughts that cloud it. Use this time to breathe, set your intentions and release any of the pre-conceived thoughts, feelings and ideas that will not serve you.
• Be open minded. Practice being open minded to whatever comes your way. Know that you have the ability to handle it and accept it for what it is. Expand your horizons.
• Acceptance. ‘When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are’ – Donal Miller. Acceptance of others for who they truly are, flaws and all (because who doesn’t have them) brings our expectations back to reality a little. It begins allowing us to be more open minded, look at the bigger picture and try and have a better understanding of things from someone’s else perspective. This is a really important tool to practice!

I know that it can be difficult to let go. Control often goes hand in hand with anxiety and it is our protective minds way of warning us that by potentially losing control it may negatively impact an outcome or situation. That may be a thought or belief you are familiar with, anxiety probably throws it your way all of the darn time!! However, this is not always the case, especially here. Letting go and opening your perspective in this situation is just what u need. It allows room for growth. An expectation really is just a pre-determined opinion or belief – what you then do with that opinion or belief is at your discretion.

One of the biggest challenges we face and a huge element that adds to the disappointment that we experience with an expectation, is learning how to accept people for who they truly are. We don’t all have to be on the same page, we don’t all have to have the same opinions, values or beliefs and at the end of the day THAT IS OK. Your expectations will not change anybody, Practice going into a situation with no expectations, instead go in with an open mind and open heart.

“Expectation feeds frustration. It is an unhealthy attachment to people, things and outcomes we wish we could control; but don’t.” – Steve Maraboli

I would love to hear your thoughts and perspective on this topic, its a tough one for everyone and built up on so many elements so i will definitely expand more on it in future posts. In the meantime please comment below.

Amanda xx

The Anxiety Wellness Queen