Did you know that 1 in 4 women in Australia experience the loss of a Miscarriage? Who knew I would become one of those statistics. At 10 weeks pregnant we received the most heartbreaking, life changing news. Today I am ready to share my experience and story with you in hope this will create more awareness and hopefully inspire and help another woman through her own heartbreak.

In April this year we received exciting news. I was pregnant! Instantly my mind is flooded with a tonne of information and emotions. Excitement, joy, the planning, will it be a boy or girl, I wonder how this pregnancy will be, how our lives will change, what will the nursery look like. I must admit with this pregnancy I felt different from the beginning. It was hard to explain at the time although now looking back I have a better understanding why.

As with my first pregnancy, the nausea, fatigue and sickness was in full force! Infact i felt like it started a lot earlier this time. Things were going well, my OB was happy with the progress and with how things were looking on my first scan at 9 weeks. We shared the news with our immediate family, everyone was excited and we began thinking and talking about the due date, what he or she will look like, u know the usual. I was due 1/1/19.

I talk a lot about intuition in my work, the importance of getting in touch with it, how to turn the volume up and listen to it and I must say I have always been in tune. I have learnt over the years to just listen to it, to respect the messages my intuition is sending me, don’t fight it, don’t ignore it just LISTEN. This experience really heightened that for me.

A few days after my scan I was sitting on the couch one night just relaxing after dinner. As you do. I felt a strange little flutter and twitch in my stomach. I said to John (my husband) “surely it’s too early to feel the baby move? I just felt something really odd.” I googled can u feel movement at 9.5 -10 weeks pregnant.. there were instances people did feel things, but I was skeptical. (It’s funny how our mind always looks for answers, logical, practical answers that is. Intuition is always usually ignored until you teach your brain that it’s safe and ok to listen).

“Your intuition is usually always ignored until you teach your brain that its safe and ok to listen”

The next morning I woke up feeling good! Too good for my likings. I had more energy than I had, the nausea wasn’t really there so I just figured I might be having a ‘good day’. When you have sick pregnancies no one is going to complain about a good day! I was able to get more done that day, bits and pieces around the house, do things with Luca, it was nice actually. I’m saying that.. I just couldn’t understand why I had this seed of doubt growing at the back of my mind. “I’m feeling good, so what’s the problem!!??”.

The next day I woke up the same. No sickness. The third day the same. I felt different. I want to say that I didn’t feel ‘pregnant’. My intuition was telling me something wasn’t right. I was telling John that I want to call my OB and get a scan. Something doesn’t feel right and I need to see if the baby is ok. I was due in that day anyway because I was going to the same building to get a big blood test (a bit like the harmony test).

My mind was jumping in and my thoughts were telling me that surely everything was fine. That I only saw my OB and the baby a few days ago and that he said everything looked ok. But my intuition was telling me otherwise. It was like a battle between the mind and the gut. It often feels that way because it’s as if the MIND doesn’t feel like the INTUITION has the right credentials to give you information. It’s mind blowing how it all works. Nonetheless i called my OB and got an appt before my test that day.

I felt a switch go off. I felt like I was prepared for the worse case scenario. To be honest I felt like I knew that it was that scenario BUT every bit in me was praying for good news. That everything was ok and my baby was healthy and happy. My OB was amazing he squeezed me in that day, he was so busy. He wanted me to have that piece of mind. John was reassuring me that everything was going to be fine.

“I felt a weird sense of calm”

I remember laying down for my ultrasound. I felt an unusual sense of calm. I can’t explain it, I just knew someone was watching over me. As soon as my OB started the scan and I looked at the screen I knew. I knew it was over. I knew that everything I had planned for this new baby and our lives had ended right now in this moment. My OB was silent, he kept moving the Doppler around, from side to side to try and pick up a heartbeat. But there was nothing. He asked to do an internal scan to hopefully pick something up. Still nothing. I will never forget the look on my husbands face. His heart shattered into 100 pieces, he was in disbelief, he couldn’t comprehend how we had just seen our baby a few days ago and now it was all over.

I just layed there quiet. I didn’t shed a tear. A little numb I guess. I knew. My OB apologised and told me that I had done NOTHING wrong and that this wasn’t my fault. (He said that to me about 5 times while we were in his office that day) I couldn’t understand why so many times, I got it, it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t until a week or 2 later that I really understood why. He talked us through the process and my next steps. I remained calm, I asked the questions that I needed and we booked in for a d&c (A small procedure to clean everything out) for the following week. Based on the scan my OB told me that it must have only happen a few days ago. Which was right. It was the night that I felt those weird flutters in my stomach.

When we left the office and got in the car I broke down. I let my guard down and allowed myself to just FEEL. Feel the hurt, the pain and the heartbreak. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces! I know it was only 10 weeks but it was 10 weeks that this angels heart beat alongside mine. At the end of the day I’m a Mum, immediately I want to protect what’s mine and not being able to do that was HARD. I felt helpless in that moment. Although something inside me kept telling me that it was OKAY, that it’s important to grieve because a LOSS IS STILL A LOSS BUT I guess in this instance the timing wasn’t right, it wasn’t meant to be.

“This Angel wasn’t ready for this earth”

This angel wasn’t ready for this earth. Amongst the pain I had to respect that. And I did. It wasn’t easy, I was in awe at how clever and amazing our bodies are. I never once blamed my body, infact i loved it more because it knew what to do, it always does. We just need to trust our bodies more. It knew something wasn’t right and it knew exactly what to do and forever I am grateful for that. I didn’t know the gender, I didn’t feel I needed to know that to grieve and heal, for me it was the presence that I felt and for me that was enough.

I let myself grieve with the support of our family and close friends. My husband and I supported each other through those difficult times and days. We talked about it ALOT it made us appreciate what we already have even more! I really understood why my OB repeated those words to me over and over because even though I knew in my heart that I had done NOTHING wrong and it was not MY FAULT my mind was trying to find a reason as to why it happen. Thoughts were popping up like “Could it have been when you did xyz that that caused it?”, “Or maybe when you did that?” The mind is always looks for an explanation! So please remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOUHAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. After my D&C I felt a huge relief. I can’t even explain it. It was as though a part of that healing chapter was closed and it allowed me to move on to the next part. It gave me closure in many ways.

“It is NOT your fault and you have done NOTHING wrong!”

I reflected a lot about what the experience has taught me. It was something I had only heard about and never in a million years did I think I would become one of those statistics. From the beginning of the pregnancy I felt a little disconnected, I felt weird about telling our family the news, something inside me just didn’t feel right. (I use the word FEEL a lot. Because when you talk about intuition it’s not about your thoughts, that’s a separate thing altogether – it’s about how it feels within your body). I FELT that I was being prepared all along. It was an experience, a second chance for me to do things differently in preparation for next time and the opportunity to share and shed light on a topic that is so important. Experiencing some form of loss during pregnancy touches the hearts of so many women all over the world, if I can make a difference in the life of 1 by sharing my story than I feel like my job is well done.

For many it is hard to talk about and I respect that. Everyone copes with things differently and grieves differently but please don’t EVER feel like you need to suffer in silence. If that’s the case and you feel like you are still struggling through the process please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

For me, talking and writing about it was healing, and still is. I would encourage you to write about your experience, you don’t have to share it with anyone just consider it a way of allowing yourself to express your feelings, emotions and thoughts on paper.

In Part 2 of my blog I talk about the tools and tips that I found helpful, what helped me through the healing process and what you can do as family and friends to support your loved ones through loss.

Thankyou so much for reading and allowing me to share my story with you.

Much Love!

Amanda xx