“The loss is immeasurable but so is the LOVE and strength that is left behind”

Last week I shared my story about miscarriage with you and the response and support has been amazingly overwhelming! So thankyou for creating such an open and supportive space for me to do that. If you haven’t read it yet you can do so HERE . In todays Blog post I really wanted to share with you the things that I found helpful (and still do) in grieving and healing, some tools and tips for you to apply in your own healing journey and how others can best support you through it!

The first thing that is so important for me to mention is that each and every one of you have had a DIFFERENT and UNIQUE experience. We all grieve differently, approach things differently and react differently so please do not compare your story to anyone else’s. Your story is unique to you and that’s what makes it special.

Write, write, write!

I think the shock of it all for most makes it hard to articulate how you are feeling, the thoughts that are racing around in your head, silencing the what ifs and what could be’s and processing the situation at large! For me writing things down as I was going and allowing myself to Grieve and actually Feel was such an important part. Don’t be afraid of your feelings and emotions – it is necessary to go through this process and most of all don’t feel like you need to go through it alone! Please be sure to have a good support network around you, you don’t need to suffer in silence.

Giving my self the space and time to grieve and feel is one of the most important things in my healing process. You need to go through the motions, there is no other way out than in. Be sure to work out what works best for YOU, try different things and do what feels right. Personally I found talking and writing about my experience super comforting and I would like to encourage you to take the time to write things down. You don’t have to share it with anyone – just slowly write things out as your experiencing them. There is a magic that happens when you translate your thoughts, feelings and emotions on to paper. It not only enables you to acknowledge what is happening for you but also provides a form of comfort and relief. It unloads from your mind, it gives you the opportunity to make sense of things and during this time you need nothing more than that. Most people find it uncomfortable, and I get that, writing things down makes it real, it brings out what happen into the big wide world, it brings up emotion, but that’s ok, its part of the process, its necessary to feel. Give yourself the permission to do just that! I used to feel really weird about writing things out and then I realised it doesn’t need to be in a “hello diary” form. There are no rules, no expectations, just write what comes to you. It can flow, it can be in dot points it can be just words WHATEVER tickles your fancy!

There is no place for blame!

Wow oh wow is it easy to blame! It’s right there on the door step knocking and waiting for you to let it right on in! If you read My Story you would have seen me mention that my Obstetrician repeated these words to me OVER and OVER during my time in his office after we found out..

“It is NOT your fault and you have done NOTHING wrong”

Say WHAT! So your probably thinking well then Who or What do I blame then?? Your anxiety and brain will come up with all sorts of reasons, it will try and convince you of a million and 1 things, it tells you that your body may have let you down.. HOW DARE IT! I can tell you now that your body has NOT let you down, your body is AMAZING, your body is always working with you, to protect you, to guide you. Your body knows what to do, always. Just give it that opportunity and TRUST it. The more Love you send it, the more Love you will receive. Acknowledge everything that it has done and will continue to do for you. I was amazed at what my body was capable of, still am, always will be. Blame serves no purpose in this process, it will only hinder your healing and growth. Rush it straight back to the front door and boot it out! Ciao!

Silence the Mind and Encourage the Heart.

Anxiety and your automatic negative thoughts are probably having a field day. The thoughts are going wild, you are starting to feel overwhelmed and the what if’s are in full force! This is the time, more than anytime to silence the mind and encourage yourself to just FEEL and follow your heart, your gut and intuition. Tune in to them, they are the ones that will guide you right now more than anything else. Create the space to heal –

You can start this process by asking yourself these questions..

What do i need in this moment to heal?

What does my Mind need?

What does my body need?

What does my heart need?

How can I best support and love myself right now?

Support Yourself.

Looking after yourself on a physical and emotional level is essential. Just remember that your body is now going through some changes physically, emotionally and hormonally. Nourish your body with amazing food, herbal teas and plenty of H2O! For me I also found my Essential Oils so supportive during this time, these are some of the ones I used ( and still am using amongst a whole bunch of others).

• Clary Calm (the womens blend) to help balance out my hormones (you can apply it along your lower abdomen, your pulse points and inner ankle bone which is the reflexology points for the uterus) its also amazing to help balance mood, reduce cramping and to use around that time of the month!
• The Emotional Touch Kit based on what I felt I needed support with on the day. The collection consists of (Cheer, Motivate, Passion, Peace, Forgive and Console) I loved using Peace and Console I refer to those 2 as a Hug in a bottle!
• Balance (the Grounding blend) this blend is amazing in the diffuser paired with Wild Orange or you can literally rub it on the soles of your feet to help you feel grounded, calm and homeostasis to the mind and body.
• Lavendar Peace (the restful blend) Pop this in the diffuser in the evenings, it smells AMAZING and encourages relaxation and a good nights sleep!
• Peppermint is so amazing and uplifting! It’s one of my favourites and I would literally take a whiff straight out of the bottle every morning, its hard to explain how it makes you feel until you experience it yourself! It also pairs so well in the diffuser with many oils so it’s always in my diffuser at least each day or so.
• Past Tense I literally carry this one in my handbag and dont go anywhere without it! Is amazing for head tension, brain fog and when you need clarity and a clear mind. Personally I love the smell and I find it very soothing.

 

Focus on the things you CAN Control.

With that mindset in place to continue moving forward it’s important to place your focus on all the things you CAN control rather than fixating on the things that you CAN’T. Unfortunately anxiety will jump right in here, if you allow it that is. Anxiety will encourage you to believe that if you control and micromanage everything and anything in your life that nothing “bad” will potentially happen again. Don’t believe this theory, infact its an unhealthy theory to live by, especially during this time when you are feeling at your most vulnerable. As a mum we are willing to do everything to protect our kids, even those that are still in our belly’s. For me this was hard, to know that there was nothing I could do to help or prevent this from happening, I’m sure you felt the same. That’s where your trust comes in, handing it all over, not being in control and trusting the process regardless of the outcome. That’s really what got me through. Right now in this moment take a minute to remind yourself that you are an AMAZING mum and you did do the best you can! Below I have included a few tips on how to begin this mindset shift..

You can shift this mindset focus by..

• Identifying your fears (What are they? Be specific.)
• Determine what things you CAN control (what food you put in your mouth, what people you hang around with, if you ask for help or not, what books you read, whether you move your body or not etc.)
• Choose where or how you want to spend your time.
• Set your intentions for the day ( how do u want your day to look like? how do you want to feel?)
• Reminding yourself that you can INFLUENCE the outcome but you can’t control it.
• As yourself “what can I influence in this situation?” “How can I make a difference in this moment?”

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” – Steve Maraboli

The reality is that the more you worry about all that you can’t control you are actually taking away your focus from everything you can control. Let’s face it! It takes discipline to reign  yourself in, and with practice it happens. It doesn’t necessarily mean you will be worry free, it’s only normal to have worries. It’s more about what YOU DO with those worries that really counts. Why not take this opportunity to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally and physically, if you do decide to try again for another pregnancy (when you are ready.. And that’s really key) you will have the right building blocks to start with.

Partner Support

Often people forget that their partners are also dealing with Grief and Loss. SO it’s SUPER important to regularly check in! Men in particular can often find it hard to express how they are feeling and maybe articulate what emotions they are going through so encouraging open and regular communication is key here! When it comes to partners it can be quiet common for the signs to appear a bit later on because they typically jump straight into auto pilot and protective mode. They want to make sure your ok, support you and hold the forte to allow you the space to heal. It’s also easier to push things away rather than facing the music right?? But as we know.. like any emotion, the more you push it away the stronger it becomes and it will rear its ugly head eventually.

Your partner will want to be your strength and they don’t want to show you that they are hurting as well. They want you to SEE and KNOW that things are going to be OK, (Just remember that your responses and approach might be different and that’s also ok). For my husband and I we found talking very helpful, being open and not seeing it as something ‘taboo’ or a ‘no go zone’. I shared my progress with him, both physical and emotional. It’s also important to encourage your partner to share their story and healing progress. Reminding them that what they are going through is normal, that it’s ok. My hubby took a couple of days off work and it was nice for all of us including Luca (who was 3 at the time) to spend that time together.

What to say

Just like any heartbreaking situation people often don’t know how to respond, what to say and what to do for you to make it all go away. I noticed this in my experience and I’m sure you noticed the same in yours. I also was blown away by the support, messages, help and calls it was beautiful and exactly what you need during this time. Here are a few examples of what you can say or do if you know someone that has gone through a loss during pregnancy.

• Sometimes just a simple message or call to let them know that your sorry for their loss, that your thinking of them and here if they need anything is the perfect way to go.
• Offer a helping hand if they need anything done around the house or to take care of any other little ones at home.
• Send a card, some flowers, chocolates, self care box or whatever you know that they will appreciate and put a smile on their face.
• Bring over a prepared meal or snack. It’s the last thing you feel like doing so those simple things make a world of difference! I was lucky to have my hubby and Mum take over the reigns for a bit.
• Check in every now and then and see how they are (it was so lovely to get messages as time went on to know people were thinking of me still) emotions change so often as time goes on, even from day to day so just making sure they are ok.
• If your comfortable to say so.. share your experience with them if you have had one. In a weird way it’s comforting to hear that your not alone, that it happens to real people like you and them.
• Remind them that “It’s not your fault and you have done nothing wrong!”
• Remind them that their feelings and emotions are valid regardless of how far along they were because #alossisstillaloss

My final message here today is that please don’t feel like you need to go through this alone. It isn’t easy! Give yourself the time to go through ALL the motions and get your body back on track so don’t rush this process. There is help and support out there no matter where you are. Below I have included some helpful contacts for both you and your partner. I also work One on One supporting women everyday so please contact me Here or email me at amanda@theanxietywellnessqueen.com.

“Healing is an art. It takes time, it takes practice. It takes Love.” – Pavana

  
I hope you have found this helpful, insightful and educational. I could continue talking about this all day as I have so much I could say, but for now, for today I leave you with this.

Much Love

Amanda xx

 

P.S I would love for you to comment Below with what you found helpful in your experience xx

 

Below I have included some helpful SUPPORT numbers and DETAILS (If you are in Australia)

 SANDS – 1300 072 637 (miscarriage, stillbirth and newborn death support)

www.sands.org.au/

They have a support line, men’s support line, online chat and local support groups available.

 Pregnancy, Birth and Baby – 1800 882 436

www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/emotional-support-after-miscarriage

 Lifeline – 131114

 Beyond Blue – 1300 224 636

www.beyondblue.org.au

 Bears of Hope – 1300 11 HOPE

www.bearsofhope.org.au