The five Love Languages is based on 5 different ways that we Express and Receive Love. As we know Communication is one of the most important building blocks of any healthy relationship, although how do we know if we are communicating in a language that we all understand??
The author of the book Gary Chapman, spent years counselling couples. Whilst reading his notes from the counselling sessions he noticed a couple of really interesting patterns.
- The first being that they seemed to be misunderstanding each other and each others needs.
- The second thing was that there seemed to be 5 main Love Languages that people responded to the most.
“It became apparent to me that what makes one person feel loved isn’t always the same for their spouse or partner,” Gary explains. This of course is when the book The Five Love Languages was born.
As I mentioned earlier, communication plays such an important role in any relationship, but how do you know that when you are communicating with others it is in the language they understand? The language that they WANT or better yet NEED to receive it in?
If you are unsure about what your Love Language is, click the quiz link below to find out!
Click here to find out what your Love Language is
I must say in my own personal experience working with clients I have lost count how many times I have heard couples say “I don’t even know if she/he loves me”. Most of the time what they really mean is “they are not showing me love in HOW I want to be loved”. Another observation is that people project their own love language onto their loved ones (which often doesn’t translate well because it is vary rare that our partners for example have the same love languages as we do) what works for us doesn’t always work well for them!
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman discovers the underlying language in which we communicate with others. Everyone gives and receives love so differently.
The Five Love Languages are..
- Words of Affirmations
- Acts of Services
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Lets chat more about each one!
Words of Affirmation
If this is your primary love language then it is important that you regularly HEAR how much you are cared for, loved and appreciated. One of the other important factors of this love language is the intention and how genuine a person is behind those words.
For some people ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS but in this case Words are everythingggggg, infact it is the only Love Language that revolves around words of expression. Think Spoken words, praise, and appreciation!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
How to speak this love language:
These words can be spoken or written.
Let’s go through some tips & examples below ⬇️
– I love you
– I love how you…
– Be Authentic
– Showing appreciation
– point out their strengths
– I’m thankful for..
– I am so proud of you
– Write them a note
– Share WHY you love/care/appreciate them
– I appreciate that you..
-Love notes
– Uplifting quotes and affirmations
Things to try and avoid if this is your primary love language or communicating with someone in this love language.
– Please don’t just assume that they know how you feel about them
– Avoid withholding kind words as ‘punishment’
– Be mindful how you use your words and with what intention.
Acts of Service⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If you or someone you know has Acts of Service as their primary Love Language then you really value when someone goes out of their way to do something for you that you would really like. This Love language is for people who really believe ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Below are Some examples of how to communicate in this Love Language ⬇️
– Making your partners tea of coffee in the morning 🫖
– Pick up the dry cleaning if your partner/friend/family member is having a busy day 👚
– Help with a chore they don’t like doing 🧹
– Make their favourite meal 🥘
– Complete an errand for them if they are running late 💌
– Help with something without being asked 👩🌾
This particular Love language is often referred to as the most ‘time consuming’! 🙈 I guess it’s because it’s not just as simple as saying something nice or giving someone a hug or kiss.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Things to be mindful of if this is your primary love language OR communicating with someone in this love language:
– Please don’t automatically assume that others know what your love language is. Communication is key!
– Those who have acts of service as their primary love language really value spontaneity and doing these things without necessarily asking for those particular things to be done. (There is always a catch right! Ha!)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Receiving Gifts ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Now often people mistake this Love Language as being purely materialistic although for the receiver it is more about the thoughtfulness, the time, the effort, care and love behind choosing the gift that matters most! A thoughtful gift speaks a lot more deeply to someone who speaks this love language than a expensive gift that had no thought put into it (In other words don’t go buying your partner a expensive watch if he/she is not a fan of watches).
Below are some tips and examples on how to communicate with someone if this is their primary Love Language:
– Pay attention to subtle likes/dislikes/desires/pain points (this will really help you learn more about the other person)
– There is a no one size fits all! It is so different for each person even though their primary love Language is the same.
– DO NOT forget special dates (birthdays, anniversaries, yearly holidays etc..) in saying that sharing something with them on days ‘just because’ is always beautiful as well 💗
– Put thought into each gift, what you choose and why?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Be mindful not to fall into the misconceptions that go along with this love language. Think outside the box!
Quality Time⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Quality Time is an important part of any relationship although if it is your primary Love Language then you really value the time that involves undivided attention in order to connect. Sitting together whilst busy doing something else doesn’t necessarily demonstrate ‘quality time’ Regardless of how long you spend together (quality over quantity people!!).
This is a big one for kids as well. Quality un interrupted time in short bursts is usually more meaningful that long periods of time together whilst on your phone or distracted for example.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
How to spend Quality Time and speak this Love Language with your loved ones:⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
– Put down your phone when spending quality time together 📱
– Make eye contact (this shows that they have your attention) 👀
– Use Active Listening skills, this is such a loving act! You can do this by FOCUSING on what they are saying, AFFIRM what they are saying, ASK thoughtful questions and so on 👂
– Focus on QUALITY time rather than QUANTITY (lots of time) 💗
– Remember to ask what they need in order to feel loved 🗣
– Go on a walk together after dinner 🍽
Things to try and avoid:⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
– Avoid complaining about the time you spend together.
– Minimise technology use whilst spending quality time together.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Just remember Quality Time as a love language has very little to do with the amount of time spent together and more to do about HOW you spend the time you have together. You don’t always have to be out doing things, get creative and practice being attentive!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Physical Touch⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Human contact is the ultimate form of communication for those that have Physical Touch as their primary Love Language. It’s another one that I feel is highly misunderstood⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Physical touch really refers to expressing and receiving affection through touch, physical closeness, and other forms of physical connection. It is just as important to take note of the intentions behind the expression as it is to express it.
Below are some examples of how to communicate in this Love Language ( it is so much more than just physical intimacy):
– Make a point of sitting close to your loved one (eg. Snuggle up close on the couch whilst watching a movie)
– Give them a hug
– Spontaneous affection (kisses, cuddles, shoulder/back rub etc..)
– Hold Hands whilst out
– Massage
– Rest your head on your partners shoulder
– Dance⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Just remember everyone has different preferences when it comes to this love language. Be sure to watch for cues and respect and alter in order to meet the comfort and requirements of others.
NOTE: I also need to mention that it is important to be mindful around those that have experienced trauma or abuse. They may find it more difficult to express or receive communication in this love language.
Gary Chapman really emphasised the importance of how being loved and appreciated in a language that you understand is an absolute essential in any relationship. Understanding one another’s love language takes away the guess work and avoids miscommunication and as Gary Chapman says ‘it is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships’. The idea of incorporating this into the relationships in your life is to learn one another’s language rather than trying to convince each other of your own.
I would love for you to share more about What your/your partners/child’s Love Language is and how you feel it has helped you better understand yourself and others in those relationships.
